


i'll search the universe

by shacchi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 07:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17361836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shacchi/pseuds/shacchi
Summary: johnny wants to hurry up and see jaehyun again.





	i'll search the universe

**Author's Note:**

> based on "you were smiling" by akane sora, published in "ashita, shinu" bl anthology. title from exo's "universe" (which i've played over a hundred times in the past week alone because please it's that good)

Jaehyun methodically turns off his PC, tidies up his stationeries, and stretches his back until he hears a satisfying crack from his back. A wide smile is permanently plastered on his face as he gets up from his chair, checking his phone for the umpteenth time that day.

“Aren’t you eager to come home today, Jaehyun-ssi,” Sooyoung, Jaehyun’s coworker who occupies the cubicle next to him, teases lightly.

Jaehyun chuckles. “It’s someone’s special day today. I wouldn’t dare miss it for the world.”

Sooyoung’s gaze softens as she notices the radiant joy from the man in front of him. “Tell Johnny-ssi I said happy birthday, okay?”

“Of course, he’ll be thrilled,” Jaehyun says, clapping Sooyoung gently on the shoulder. “Oh, the rain just won’t stop, will it? I gotta hurry and see him, then! See you tomorrow!”

Sooyoung waves a goodbye to Jaehyun’s retreating back before she turns back to her work. A smile lasts on her face for the rest of the day. She can’t wait to meet Jaehyun again and hear his animated stories that always manages to light up their dull office room.

_ Tomorrow _ , she thinks, and continues typing.

 

 

“Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you!” Jaehyun finishes singing by cheerfully throwing his hands up. He grins at Johnny who looks at him like he wants to stop time just to live in this moment forever.

“You weren’t even singing seriously but you still sound like an angel,” Johnny says, fingers gently caressing Jaehyun’s cheeks. The latter leans into the touch, reminding him of a cat he used to own when he was little.

Jaehyun’s cheeks turn a rosy pink as his smile blooms. “You’re such a sap,” he tells Johnny, but from the sparkle in his eyes, Johnny knows Jaehyun is as in love with him as he is with the other.

“Ah, the cake!” Jaehyun suddenly jumps to his feet to get a square tiramisu cake from the dining table. The white chocolate piece on the cake writes  _ Happy Birthday Dear J_. Considering tiramisu is actually Jaehyun’s favourite flavour, Johnny wonders whose birthday it is they’re celebrating. But then he sees how Jaehyun gazes longingly at the cake, clearly holding himself back from brushing his finger against the icing to taste it, and Johnny knows he’ll drain the whole sea if it’s what it takes to make Jaehyun happy.

“You can eat the whole thing if you want it that bad,” Johnny tells him.

“Really?” Jaehyun perks up at the idea, but then he pouts. “But it’s your birthday, you should be the one getting pampered today.”

“I don’t like sweets that much.” It’s a lie and they both know it, but Johnny is already scooping a piece and feeds it to Jaehyun’s mouth. “Seeing you looking so cute with chocolate on your lips is pampering me.”

Jaehyun stills pouts a little as he chews, but he seems to realise that it means more cake for him and it’s honestly not a bad deal at all. But as he reaches out for the spoon on Johnny’s hand, the older retracts his hand away. Johnny grins as Jaehyun whines, “Hyuuung!”

“We were going on a walk, remember?” he asks.

Jaehyun lets out a long sigh. “Can’t we just stay at home today? Let’s laze around and watch Knowing Brothers or something,” he whines.

Johnny simply smiles and answers, “No. I’m definitely going today.” He pretends to not notice the way Jaehyun’s face morphs into one of ache and walks towards the door.

As he expects, Jaehyun ends up following him. He’s wearing a brown scarf over his oversized knit sweater. His whole attire’s colour scheme is painted in autumn. Johnny grabs his boyfriend’s hand to put inside his coat’s pocket.

“Your hand’s freezing and it’s not even winter yet,” Johnny comments.

Jaehyun matches his steps with Johnny’s before leaning closer towards the taller man. “I’m always cold,” Jaehyun answers quietly while looking up at Johnny.

“I know,” Johnny replies, kissing his lover’s forehead. His lips feel cold too. Jaehyun closes his eyes and smiles softly.

The couple walk to the bus stop closest to their shared apartment. No one else is there except for them. Understandable, since their apartment is located in a quieter part of the city. Both Johnny and Jaehyun find that the cacophony of sounds of Seoul they hear everyday where they work overwhelming at times, and they don’t need more in their home, even if it’s more inconvenient to rent a place farther from their workplaces.

Johnny sits on the long bench to wait for the next bus to come. Jaehyun, on the other hand, leaps from Johnny’s side to jump around on the sidewalk, stepping on fallen red leaves to hear the satisfying crunch under his feet. Johnny chuckles as Jaehyun grins at him, dancing around with his arms stretched wide on his side like a child on their first autumn.

“You’re adorable,” Johnny comments with a chuckle. Jaehyun grins wider, still enthusiastically stepping on every leaf he can find.

The bus comes too quickly for Johnny’s liking. Jaehyun jumps in first and sits on the two-person seat near the back. He always picks the seat near the window. Johnny likes that seat too, but he always gives it up for Jaehyun. It surprises him that Jaehyun now sits near the aisle.

“You’re always on the window seat,” Johnny says with one eyebrow raised.

“It’s your birthday today. I better make you happy, right?” Jaehyun giggles before pulling Johnny to sit down next to him. “Come on, don’t waste my generosity. Sit, sit!”

“I feel like you always regress a year on every birthday,” Johnny says.

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” Jaehyun protests, playfully pinching Johnny’s waist.

“Ow, ow! I’m just kidding, Jae!” Johnny stifles a laugh while also trying to get away from Jaehyun. Jaehyun finally lets up and and Johnny rubs his waist while giving his boyfriend the stink-eye. Jaehyun only grins innocently.

“Oh, by the way,” Jaehyun suddenly says, “where are we going again?”

“You’ll know when you get there,” Johnny answers. He grins, satisfied that Jaehyun seems frustrated by his stubborn silence. He however relents a little and adds, “It’s quite far from here, is all I’ll say.”

Jaehyun hums. They stay silent for a couple minutes before Jaehyun rests his head on Johnny’s shoulder. Johnny wiggles around a bit to find a position comfortable enough for both of them. Jaehyun sighs in relief and closes his eyes before mumbling, “I love you,” to which Johnny’s heart swells. He interlaces his fingers with Jaehyun’s and kisses the knuckles.

The gentle rumbling of the bus seems to quickly lull Jaehyun into sleep. Johnny smiles fondly at his boyfriend. He may be biased, but he finds Jaehyun ethereal when he’s sleeping. His features relax, glistening lips slightly open, and his chest rises rhythmically with his breathing. Johnny wonders if he perhaps saved a nation in his previous life to be given the chance to have someone as beautiful as Jung Jaehyun fall in love with him.

Johnny lets his boyfriend sleep while he ends up turning his gaze towards the view outside the window. The tall corporate buildings of downtown Seoul changes to humble neighbourhoods. Then houses change again to rice fields and greeneries stretching as far as his eyes can see.

“Is this the view you always see with your eyes, Jae?” Johnny whispers into the air, melancholy clouding his voice. “It’s beautiful.”

He turns to watch the person currently occupying his mind. Jaehyun is still sound asleep, not stirring an inch from his initial position. Johnny heaves a deep sigh. He rests his head on Jaehyun’s head, gently as to not wake the brunette, and closes his eyes.

“I’ve missed this,” he breathes out. “I’ve missed you, Jae.”

 

 

“Oh my god!” Jaehyun exclaims, eyes sparkling as he runs up the stone stairways. “Oh my god, Johnny! Yeongyang!”

Johnny laughs at his boyfriend’s antics while climbing the stairs in a slower pace. There are only few people around them—understandable since it’s not weekend nor holiday—scattered on the wide valley, immersed in their stargazing.

Jaehyun waves excitedly from his preferred spot; an open space not too far from the pathway, but not quite close with other tourists so they can have some privacy. Johnny waves back but he doesn’t quicken up his pace. Jaehyun pouts at him, but he’s soon appeased when he gazes up and watches the twinkles of stars illuminating the dark sky. Farther down the valley, swarms of fireflies are flickering with muted golden lights, giving the place their name—Yeongyang Fireflies Eco Park.

Jaehyun steps on the railing bordering the hill from the rather steep cliff underneath, balancing himself precariously in order to get a better look on the view. Johnny grabs his lover’s waist to keep him from toppling over, but it ends up with him pulling Jaehyun backwards for a hug.

A giggle escapes Jaehyun’s lips as Johnny burrows his face in the crook of his shoulder. It turns into a gentle smile when Johnny releases a shuddering breath against his skin. Jaehyun’s hands are cold on top of Johnny’s that are tightly hugging the younger’s body, but Johnny would never let go.

“You should see the stars, they’re beautiful,” Jaehyun tells Johnny even as he leans back against Johnny’s touch.

Johnny finally lifts his head to gaze at Jaehyun. “You’re still the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen,” he says, and he means every word.

Jaehyun smiles and kisses him on the lips chastely. Their breath mingles, warming the increasingly colder night wind blowing across the hill. They stay like that for god knows how long, cherishing the ticking seconds in each other’s embrace, until Jaehyun breaks the contact to lean against the railing again. He has his hand stretched against the sky, as if wanting to wrap the whole world in his palm.

“Seeing it like this, you can’t help but realise how small—how, how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Just two tiny specks of dust in the vast universe…” Jaehyun mutters, voice going quieter as if being silenced by his own apprehension.

Johnny doesn’t say anything. He simply stares at Jaehyun with an unreadable expression.

“Hey, Johnny?” Jaehyun gazes longingly at the sky before turning to face Johnny. He smiles again, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Let’s go home, okay?”

There’s a beat of silence before Johnny smiles and closes his eyes. “I don’t want to,” he answers.

Jaehyun grips Johnny’s arm with a sense of urgency. “Let’s go home. It’s late, you have work tomorrow, remember? I still haven’t eaten that cake, you know. Let’s go back, eat, take a bath, then rest, okay?” he asks—no,  _ begs_, desperation bleeding into his voice.

Johnny glances at his lover with a sad smile. “Why?” he replies, but he knows Jaehyun knows.

“‘Why?’” Jaehyun laughs wetly, and  _oh_ , there’s tears running down his face. His grip on Johnny clenches painfully and he cries into the sleeve of Johnny’s coat. “Because you…”

_ You’re going to die, aren’t you, Johnny? _

“That’s what you would’ve said if you were here, wouldn’t you, Jae?” Johnny says to themselves, laughing quietly at his lonesome self. A lone tear escapes his eyes, but no one is around to laugh at him for crying alone in the middle of nowhere.

But that means there’s also no one to wipe his tears and tell him that everything’s going to be okay.

That’s Jaehyun’s role. Or,  _ was_.

Johnny leans against the railing the way he imagined Jaehyun would. He gazes at the hill, then up at the sky, the way he imagined Jaehyun would. He marvels at the view reflected in his eyes the way he imagined Jaehyun would.

“Has it really been a year since then?” Johnny talks to himself. He knows it has been exactly 365 days since Jaehyun’s death, but it still feels surreal to realise that he’s been living without the love of his life for that long period of time.

Johnny remembers how he learned the news. It was his birthday too, but it was raining awfully hard, a telltale sign of a coming storm. Jaehyun promised him he’d get off work early so they could celebrate Johnny’s birthday together. Johnny was getting ready at home, eagerly preparing for Jaehyun’s surprise for him, when a news channel caught his eyes.

A car going too fast slipped on the slippery, rain-soaked road and lost control. It hit a bus stop near a kindergarten. The news anchor was delivering the story of how two kids almost got hit if not for a passing young man pushing them out of harm’s way in return for his own life. The cameraman shot a footage of two children, a boy and a girl barely 5 years old, crying in their teacher’s arm. On the corner, a body bag was carried off screen.

Johnny’s heart stopped for a beat.

On the bloodied concrete, lied a lone silver sterling bracelet with the initial J.

He called Jaehyun’s phone immediately, praying that his worst nightmare didn’t come true. Sadly, some prayers couldn’t be heeded, even when it was delivered in a desperate scream that shakes your heart to its core.

Johnny opens his eyes when he finally registers the pain from his fist clenching so hard it turns white. He unravels them, even if the physical pain is a relief.

“Everyone wrote it off as a heroic story, like it wasn’t some stupid, unreasonable…” Johnny couldn’t continue his words. He grits his teeth so he won’t let out a sob bubbling inside his throat. “If god planned to take you with him, then it’d be better if he takes the both of us instead.”

“Please don’t think of it like that,” says a quiet voice.

“Ah, really,” Johnny chuckles and closes his eyes. “Are you a ghost or am I going crazy?”

Jaehyun looks at him with tears in his eyes. He only whispers, “Please…” but Johnny can feel the thousands of words from him, begging Johnny to stay, to not give up, to keep on living, to find the beauty of life, to live for the sake of Jaehyun if he can’t find it within himself to continue.

But Johnny can’t.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny says regretfully, although his only regret is making Jaehyun cry—despite now knowing whether this Jaehyun is also only a figment of his imagination. “I’ve tried my hardest to hang on this past year, but I can’t do it anymore.”

“Please don’t say that.” Jaehyun breaks down, falling to his knees.

Johnny breathes out slowly before climbing the fence railing. Standing up there, mere centimetres from the deep, dark cliff promising the sweet release of death, strangely feels peaceful.

“Listen, Jaehyun, wherever you actually are.” Jaehyun actually laughs at that. “Even if I die here, I don’t know whether I’ll meet you in heaven—or even if heaven and hell exist at all. We might not even meet each other after all.”

Jaehyun reaches out to gently pull at the hem of Johnny’s pants; his last resort of begging. But Johnny has reached a decision, even if it’s regrettable.

“But if we’re gonna be born again, or if we exist in a parallel universe, maybe we can meet there,” Johnny continues. He looks up at the sky and smiles. “Maybe then, I can see your smile once more.”

One step forward and Johnny is at the edge of the fence. Another step will escort him to his death.

“I want to hurry up and see you again, Jaehyun.”

The clock strikes midnight, and the universe welcomes a new day.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so on my defence i haven't killed a character i like for literally months and jaehyun is just *right there* you know, i just can't help myself :( also this is for [yutasberry](https://twitter.com/yutasberry) because even though we only share yujae i'm p sure she appreciates me treating jae like this every once in a while winkswinks
> 
> find me on [twt](https://twitter.com/minseokculture)!


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